Describing a particularly taxing workday in my last entry, Circumstance noticed, that I was bringing guilt into the equation. Taking two days off somehow being the reason or punishment for the extra pressure. That I should take a different point of view: seeing the time off as a way to cope with the hard day.
There is something to this. Might well be, that my core motivation is guilt. Doesn’t even surprise me, considering my upbringing.
Sometimes I wonder, why people strain themselves. Wanting things done, exceed in something, do things well, peer pressure, burning ambition, anger, rebellion, pride, concientiousness or on a brighter tone also love and empathy might motivate people. I best like the simple explanation of really liking, what one works at. And I am surprised, although this is a well known fact, that money or pay doesn’t pop up at all in this equation. Of course, if one has to work for a living, there has to be pay (and it has to be enough for a living, I want to add – but this is a different topic).
Personally, I think of my work as something, I really like doing. Over the years, the entire place has become much more “my” project and part of my life, than I can actually take credit for. As it requires many people’s efforts to make it, what it is now. However, I am there the longest and am considered THE senior person by most everyone. Which makes it a lot easier to be heard. On top, routine and experience help, too, as long as I stay alert, not to turn blind to innovation and new ideas.
But then there are those hard days, too, which ask for some extra motivation. And at such times, the guilt lever kicks in, seemingly. It is easier for me, to go the extra mile, if I think of the reason of any hardship being somehow my own fault, thus construing a “guilty” environment, I have to make up or pay for.
Weird, to notice this conciously for the first time. But it makes sense. Remembering, how I grew up with this allmighty God always watching and noticing any faults. As the goal of my upbringing was to prepare myself to become a perfect (vollkommen) human being in the eyes of God, without a flaw or sin left. Which, of course, is impossible. No wonder, I got to a point, I said good-bye to this entire line of thinking. Never noticed, that the underlying behavioral structures of such a believe system are such steadfast companions.
How good to have friends to point things out, thank you, Circumstance.