split second

Someone dear to me is getting divorced today. After twenty-odd years of marriage. I can’t begin to imagine how that feels…
I comfortably hide out in a married state that is non-existing in reality. Living separated from my husband for 13 years now. Contact reduced to maybe two phonecalls or four sms texts per year. Happy Birthdays, Merry Christmases or Want to meet up?s (he) regularly answered with polite “Sorry, would love to but can’t for xy reasons” (me). Obviously, in the first year of separation we did meet a couple of times to sort out business and private matters. Then there was no contact at all for some years, in fact, I didn’t even know, which country he lived in. However, when his father died, he did contact me and from then on in we kept each other informed about our whereabouts and current states of life, albeit in a very inchoate manner. 2008 I broke my rule to keep away from that man. We met up on neutral ground far away on a sunny coast. Am still glad, he had his new family already at that time and was fairly settled elsewhere. Otherwise I might have forgotten, why I had left him in the first place. It would be nice if men came with package inserts, giving encyclopeadic information about the dangers involved, invariably listing some risk for life and limb. And meeting him is dangerous, indeed. After everything is said and done and remembered, there is still so much attraction and pull left over, it frightens me. Mind you, this rarely bothers me and I don’t even think about it that often. But I have to keep away for my own good. This is all I know. Maybe he feels the same, as he never visits the city I live in, although his daughter’s grandparents live here, too. But I digress.
On the other hand, do I digress? Maybe this is the reason, a divorce never really came into question. Aw, of course we did discuss the possibilty once or twice. And in the first couple of years I was even getting legal advice on how to best find him and how much it would cost me to get divorced without his consent. Which he wasn’t prepared to grant under any circumstances when we separated. (It would have cost way too much on top of everything else I had to shoulder during that time, it turned out.) 2008 he changed his mind to: “I still don’t want to get a divorce. But if you insisted on it, I would agree.” I didn’t have a good enough reason to insist, then. So we let it be.
The formal act today seems to be the legal end of a quite different relationship. For all I know, there are nothing but dis-es left: dissent, disrespect, disdain, disillusion, disappointment and so on. I can not fathom, how this feels. Either I am just quicker with quitting, getting the split second right, just so I can keep the core reason I loved this or that person in the first place in my heart. To remember, when the dust settles. Or else I am unable to really detach, forever entangling myself in loose ends, who knows. Recent events in my life seem to indicate, the latter is true. At least with a few good men. Which is a different story all together.



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