Lyrics from an old Bob Dylan song run through my mind right now:
“Well, I ain’t got my childhood
Or friends I once did know.”
“And I’ve never had much money
But I’m still around somehow”
“Many times I’ve bended
But I ain’t never yet bowed.
Hey, hey, so I guess I’m doing fine.
Trouble, oh trouble,
I’ve trouble on my mind”
I can’t help the sorrow. Because once in my life I did bow. To my mothers command. And to this day I regret that. It is all well to rattle off my excuses. Being young, feeling helpless, being very ill and so forth. But, but, but. Nothing will ever erase this memory of hurting another person and myself in such a way. Why do I come up with this?
Because I met the person concerned yesterday. Coincidentally, one of my family members mentioned him and his whereabouts, so I made contact and alas, on short notice we arranged to meet up.
Don’t get me wrong: I thouroughly enjoyed seeing him again and he certainly doesn’t bear a grudge on me, whatsoever. On the contrary, I am sure he was happy to see me, too. And it was so good to catch up on lifes spent apart. But this is exactly what I am at odds with. As we once were destined to spend it together. Rarely ever I use the word destined, but in this case the term forced itself on me. During the last decades I often wondered how my life would have turned out, if things weren’t twisted by fate in such a way (another Bob Dylan song pops into my head right now: A simple twist of fate, this is getting worse by the minute. There is no such thing as fate, I just made a decision. Under pressure and lacking much needed support and backup, I tore my heart out. And someone elses, too. That’s all. This is a plain and simple story, isn’t it? You know what, I have no problems with forgiveness, not even toward my violent husband. But I am still hard pressed to say I can forgive my mother for this one. And myself, by the looks of it). Well, no one knows about the would haves.
And I am NOT complaining about anything. I am just sad. It is ok to be sad sometimes. One can’t help a heartache, anyways. What can not be cured, must be endured. So I turn back to Mr. Zimmerman’s lyrics:
“My road it might be rocky,
The stones might cut my face.
But as some folks ain’t got no road at all,
They gotta stand in the same old place.
Hey, hey, so I guess I’m doin’ fine”
Bob Dylan, Guess I’m doing fine